Adult Bullying and Ways to Recognize It

This topic came up in the forums of the mommies network yesterday and I happened to run across this today at babble.com.  SUCH an informative and great site.  I could probably spend hours reading over posts. 

Here are five ways to recognize the sings of being bullied by another adult as well as some techniques for diffusing the situation.

  1. Being Yelled At. Bullying is generally defined as an attempt to coerce someone through intimidation and that’s not limited to physical force. If someone is screaming at you, you’re definitely being bullied. It seems obvious, but it’s strange how often people will remain deep into relationships in which verbal force is a key player. This is a sensitive issue that can often escalate into physical force and it’s an occasion where you probably need to seek outside help. If it’s a work situation, document it and go to HR. If it’s a domestic situation, find a good counselor to help you evaluate your next step.

2. Getting Loads of Deconstructive Criticism. It’s tricky because you have to know the difference between someone being constructive in an effort to help you do something better and someone undervaluing your efforts. For the most part, I would suggest that unless it’s a boss or a co-worker, unsolicited criticism from your friends is questionable. If you feel you’re being unfairly criticized, say something. If you think the criticism is fair, but don’t like delivery you should mention that, too. A good friend will back down, give you space to live life on your own terms and, most importantly, support you.

3. You Don’t Think It’s That Funny. Look, I came of age in the late 80s and early 90s, and I’m pretty we were the generation that invented the phrase “whatEVER.” Still, it doesn’t matter how masterfully a sarcastic quip is constructed, if it hurts your feelings, it isn’t okay. Remind Daria that you really like her and know she’s trying to be funny, but she’s starting to hurt your feelings.

  4. Exclusion, Gossip and Rumors. If it feels like you’re in high school, that’s a bad sign. The best way to combat this type of bullying is to refuse to participate. This proves difficult because one of the quickest ways to bond with someone is in a mutual disdain for a third party. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. Ask yourself about the last time you found out someone was Team Angie/Team Jennifer like you. How much more did you like them after they agreed with you? Next time someone tries to pass on a rumor about someone else, remember that you’re probably next. As good as it feels to be part of a clique, it’s really important to move on.

5. Competitiveness. Healthy competition is wonderful. Unhealthy competition is not. Signs of unhealthy competition rears itself in an inability to praise or feel joy in the accomplishments of others, being the subject of high levels of scrutiny and outright jealousy. For the most part, being in a relationship with someone who is constantly evaluating their own performance against yours isn’t just exhausting, it’s toxic. In this case, if simply moving on isn’t an option (I don’t know, maybe it’s your sister-in-law or something?), then the best thing is to just keep your distance and your accomplishments to yourself. You know you’re doing good, that’s all that matters, right?

  The word “bully” is loaded and has taken on so many different meanings over the last few years. Despite all the nuances, though, there is a basic definition regarding the behavior that most will agree on. Bullying makes a person feel bad about themselves. It’s an attempt by someone who feels small to create a false sense of bigness. The best way to teach your children how to navigate this journey safely is to step out bravely and check the path yourself.

My Daughter and her Bully

I was bullied as a child.  It never stopped until I went to middle school and got away from the person doing it.  It was my bus drivers son; he was younger but bigger than me.  He was one of those loud kids that could pull everyones attention in.  It hurt as a kid to be bullied, but back then you just moved on and hoped it would stop.  I was picked on for everything; from my hair to my shoes.  It was more of the verbal abuse.  There was no parents going to the school or anything. Fighting was not encouraged, however we were told defend yourself and you won't be in trouble at home.  It was toughen up or fight back.

Those years affected my teenage years in middle and high school.  When I got into middle school and high school I was going through rough times at home and I then built a wall up to prevent more people from hurting me.  I became "The Bitch" and a few other names, but I wasn't a bully.  I did it because I figured if I was mean and acted like I didn't care what people thought of me or if they liked me then my chances of being bullied was less likely.  I not only got what I wanted, but also what I didn't.  I stuck to my group of friends and let everything be.  I was not very social and stayed to myself.  Now as an adult, and I think back that of course was the wrong thing to do.  I always thought I was going to move out of the little small town where I lived and I wouldn't have to worry about any of those people again.  A town where everyone knows your business before you do.  Who would have thought that social networking would come about; I had no clue.  People that could have been there for me throughout my life and been my best friends forever, but I messed that up with my words and actions.

When people view you how I was viewed especially in high school, it seems like they really don't give you that second chance for them to see how you really are even as an adult.

Now on to my daughter.  She is now in 2nd grade and her first year of school she was having an issue with a little girl in her class being mean to her.  I tried to go through the chain of command steps: Teacher, Principal etc.  I contacted the teacher several times with no success. I requested her to be moved away from the little girl and that was the only thing done.  I tried having a parent/teacher conference which was unsuccessful.  My breaking point: my little girl who at the time was only a newly turned 5 year old was sitting on side of me drawing a picture.  She is very artistic and loves to draw.  I asked her what she was drawing and she responded with "This is Mallory and this is me".  I look a the picture and it was a little girl with blue drops on her face. I said well what is that on her face.  She said the little girl told her that she was going to punch her in the face the next day and that was a picture of her crying.  All I could do was reassure her how special she was and that I would never let that happen to her.  Lots of hugs.

I was at the school before the staff even got there waiting to confront her teacher.  I never got the chance luckily, because the principal showed up and I informed her about all the incidences throughout the year thus far.  She took the picture and called in the little girls parents for a conference. The teacher didn't return the next year.  Since then the school did a complete turn around and lets it be know that they mean business and bullying will not be tolerated.  A contract was sent home this year that required the signature of the student, parent, principal and teacher.  They have anti-bullying boxes around the school where kids can place notes in them at any time if they are having a issue like that.  They also recieved awards for taking the pledge. 

So no matter what it is that you are saying or doing, remember they will affect someone else.  Lets be a part of that puzzle piece and make sure our kids don't get bullied or more importantly be a bully. 

Do you have a story?